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{{DES | des = Sample: "Libertarians also spend a lot of time pissing and moaning about not being able to get dates, a fact which they attribute to women for being dimwitted, manipulative, self-loathing harlots who dig assholes, because intelligent, emotionally sensitive women would certainly date them otherwise. It couldn't POSSIBLY be that women are generally repulsed by fat, neckbearded chauvinists who spend all their time on the internets arguing about Linux and stroking their own egos (lol, personal responsibility)." | show=}}
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{{Text |

 
“	 
One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "Libertarian." People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.
 	„
 
—George Carlin, Napalm and Silly Putty
Libertarianism is a fad political ideology for 13 year old boys. Libertarians, more commonly known as Libertards or Lolbertarians, believe that governmental involvement in peoples' lives should be limited as much as possible so libertarians can fuck dogs without being jailed on sodomy laws. They also believe roads and civic infrastructure are naturally occurring phenomena.

Libertarianism has a big crossover with Extropians, who think that you can realize science fiction ideas like space elevators and self genetic engineering in the near future. Most Libertarians are either 13 year old boys, fratboys who watch South Park, people that want to appear "alternative", or paranoid survivalists living in tiny cabins in Montana, where they stockpile weapons and food for the dreaded day when Big Brother comes 'round tryin' to implant fail chips in their brains.


Libertarians, as a group, are officially the only group more obnoxious than liberal hipsters. Like liberal hipsters, they are unfailingly elitist and condescending. Unlike liberal hipsters, they lack the self-awareness to comprehend the fact that people don't want to hear their Ron Paul/Ayn Rand/"I'm so un-PC" bullshit 24/7.

Libertarians believe that humanity falls into two categories:

Libertarians
Sheep




The Libertarian Party


a typical libertarian looking for poon because he's too awkward to get laid without paying. money is good!


Libertarians like to bitch about police arresting people, but at the same time cream themselves over the pigs' automatic weapons.
Contents [hide]
1 The creation of a Libertarian
2 Trolling a Libertarian
3 Voting for the Libertarian Candidate in the 2008 Presidential Election
4 List of Things Libertarians Believe In
5 List of Things Libertarians Hate
6 Libertarians and Anarchists
7 Libertarianism and Autism
8 Typical Libertarian Activities
9 Libertarian Mating Habits
10 Famous Libertarians
11 Libertarianism on LiveJournal
11.1 Drama-Generating Techniques
12 See Also
13 External Links
The creation of a Libertarian

They start off as spoiled upper-middle class teens who, for being mildly autistic and holding their rich dads cock too tight for too long, never managed to develop any social skills or sense of humor above that of a boy who’ve just reached puberty. In frustration over their life being a complete failure, they join up on the internet with equally pathetic souls in their very special teenage rebellion trend exclusive for IRL bottom-feeders: Downloading south park episodes, agree with everything the show preaches then cry and masturbate each other how PC the rest of the world is, which effectively fulfills all the pubertal asspie desires of angsty rich kids.



Trolling a Libertarian

To troll a libertarian online, just post the following:

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy.
I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration.

At the appropriate time as regulated by the US Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads built by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.

Then, after spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, I drive back to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and the fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.

I then log onto the Internet which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on freerepublic and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

Voting for the Libertarian Candidate in the 2008 Presidential Election

 
“	 
It wasn't until i had dropped the absentee ballot envelope in the mailbox that i realized the mistake i had made...Why would there be a Boob Bar on the ballot? and why would i want a Boob Bar to be the President!?
 	„
 
—Ausfag
List of Things Libertarians Believe In

All authority figures are good unless they are called "the government".
Drugs are good.
Abortions are awwwwwwright.
Social security is bad.
Federal government is bad, State government is good.
Pedophilia is good.
Guns are totally good, unless used by the government and it's contractors.
Homosexuality is good but gay marriage is not good because it'll be legalized by the evil, nasty government.
The death penalty is bad (but only if it's carried out by the government)
The free market is the ultimate good.
People who say they are conservative but are really Republicans are "theocratic" liars.
People who say they are liberal but are really Democrats are "socialist" liars.
Privatization is good.
Unions are bad.
Smoking is good. Tobacco companies are friends.
Ayn Rand is God (though she hates libertarians, but hey, who doesn't?)
Believe that Franklin Delano Roosevelt was a bloodthirsty tyrant but Ronald Reagan is God.
Somalia is the best country on earth
The mailman is a government employee and must be gunned down with an AK-47 for setting foot on your property.
Ron Paul is god, Bob Barr is a fake libertarian fuckwit.
Wearing seatbelts is bad.
Paying taxes is a sin, unless those taxes go in to making video games like America's Army.
Agnosticism is good because religions and atheism are too altruistic and therefore hamper capitalism.
The Democrats and Republicans don't have our best interest at heart but conglomerates do!
The only honorable way to die is in a shootout with the cops.
Paying taxes to the government is bad. Paying money to utility companies is sexy. (note: Taxpayer->Govt->Cmpny vs. Taxpayer->Cmpny)
Traffic lights are bad because they're social engineering.
Health inspectors are bad because they allow people who are too stupid and lazy to investigate every restaurant and store they go to to survive.
Worship capitalism as the only freedom loving philosophy but refuse to pay for stuff, because open source is the ONLY way!
No business would ever desire increased government power (unless they already had it). Halliburton who?
Police do not have the right to stop a parent from killing their kid, but the cops need to be involved when a baby boy is getting circumcised!
Outlawing spam e-mail is a grave threat to liberty.
The Constitution and the Bill of Rights are infallible, but amendments are bad (especially the 14th and 16th).
Democracy is evil because America is only a republic!
The best way to respect individuality is to let those who are useless to society starve to death.
If you cast a shadow on someone else's lawn, you're trespassing.
If a plane flies over your house, they're trespassing. (Seriously, look it up).
It's okay to eat babies so long as they're your own kids.
Taxation is theft. Charging rent is not.
The genius of the free market is that both the rich and poor get the choice of paying for expensive health care or dying.
You must remain perfectly silent any time someone else is nearby because forcing someone else's eardrums to vibrate violates the non-aggression principle.
Price gouging is awesome! Don't like it? Then move to Russia, you commie!
Government sucks! ...Except when they're using their resources to protect my personal property, which THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO BTW.
The Federal Reserve cannot be trusted to run a currency but some libertarian pothead called Bernard von NotHaus, the High Priest of "Free Marijuana Church of Honolulu" can. (Seriously.)
Laws against statutory rape aren't necessary - there's nothing creepy at all about some dirty old man fucking a 15-year-old.
National and international government is evil, but local government is just fine and dandy.
That New Hampshire will become Heaven on Earth if enough libertarians move there.
Corporatism is evil... but so is government intervention!



Typical libertarian. notice the pizza boxes because libertarians are too asocial to go out to get their own food.
List of Things Libertarians Hate

Weekends
Sick days
Maternity leave
Overtime payment
Safe workplaces
Health inspectors
Welfare
Public schools
Cops (protection rackets are far more libertarian)
Taxes (even if they don't pay 'em because they have no job and live in their parent's basement)
Unions
Public transport
Libertarians and Anarchists

Some argue that anarchists are actually commies who smoke too much weed, and if a Libertarian is hanging out with Anarchists, it's just to buy weed from them. However, most experts agree that Anarchists are socialists or communists who say they don't believe in government and Libertarians are capitalists who say they don't believe in government.

Libertarianism and Autism

Libertarianism is expected to be included in the next edition of the DSM as a form of autism, as part of a further partitioning of Asperger's Syndrome due to an overwhelming rise in its e-diagnosis. Libertarians share many qualities with the Ass Pies, but differ in the fact that they see themselves as incarnations of Ayn Rand and the characters in her novels, rather than as dragons or elves.

Typical Libertarian Activities

Bitching about how fucked up the government is, but doing nothing about it. See also: Hippies
Complaining about how evil the government is but praising Big Business and preaching that if we just get the mean ole government to leave businesses alone and give our bosses complete freedom that capitalism will create a utopia.
Majoring in Computer Science.
Using the word "Statist" as an insult at every possible opportunity.
Quoting George Orwell 24/7 and hating Socialists.
Not knowing that George Orwell was a massive socialist.
Posting on Internet forums.
Thinking Lao Tzu was a libertarian.
Thinking EVERYONE they like is a libertarian.
Bitching about how much money gets taken out of their paychecks for stupid shit like roads, schools, and feeding hungry children.
Bitching about how voting is anti-freedom
Complaining that the new smoking bans and seat belt laws takes away their freedom.
Copy-pasting the rants of the craziest televangelists and replacing "Satan" with "the government."
Jerking off to The Fountainhead, Anthem, Atlas Shrugged, and anything else written by Jewish whores with an unwarranted sense of self-importance.
Thinking of ways to get back at the "jocks" who picked on them in grade school.
Acting exactly like the kid from The Catcher in the Rye.
Having sex with their dogs.
Being the ranking douchebags of the planet.
Hanging around this page.
Crying about how minimum wages and anti-child labor laws are morally wrong and a great threat to freedom.
Preach personal responsibility but blame others for their shortcomings when things go wrong (Note: This characteristic may also apply to conservatives as much as it does libertarians)
Post Ron Paul endorsements in every YouTube video they come across
Having sex with children.
Privately masturbate to the murder of a government employee while publicly denouncing the murder as an initiation of force.
Brag about how they're a real American because they "own property" e.g. a pickup truck and an acre of land in Oklahoma with a manufactured home on it, but get butthurt and backpedal when you point out to them that both of them are actually owned by the bank they pay money to every month.
Petition Fleshlight to introduce an Ayn Rand model.
Moving to Austria for the Austrian Economics.
Saying "You sound more like a libertarian" to anyone who doesn't have strict liberal or conservative views on every issue.
Building and worshiping shrines to honor their fair and just corporate overlords
Posting their Ayn Rand/NRA slash fanfic collection on /k/.


Even stoned 420chanfags know the truth about libertarianism.
Libertarian Mating Habits

Libertarians attract mates by posting all kinds of lame shit about the Illuminati and Masonic conspiracies in conservative forums and blogs, as well as in the IMDb subforums for any movies that have anything to do with politics, as well as positing why the producers of any Gulf War I and II movies hate America.

Libertarians also spend a lot of time pissing and moaning about not being able to get dates, a fact which they attribute to women for being dimwitted, manipulative, self-loathing harlots who dig assholes, because intelligent, emotionally sensitive women would certainly date them otherwise. It couldn't POSSIBLY be that women are generally repulsed by fat, neckbearded chauvinists who spend all their time on the internets arguing about Linux and stroking their own egos (lol, personal responsibility). Closely related to "nice guys", except malcontented and oafish.

Famous Libertarians

David Koresh
Timothy McVeigh
Alex Jones
Mike Lorrey
Ayn Rand
Stephen Colbert
Milton Friedman
Drew Carey
Jimbo Wales (Which makes no sense, because he founded Wikipedia, the biggest "Anarcho-Communist" society ever to be inhabited entirely by virgins)
Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park
Margaret Thatcher
Penn & Teller
Weev
Michael Crichton
Robert Anton Wilson
TheAmazingAtheist
Tommy Chong
Clint Eastwood
Neil Peart
Tim Wilson
Terry Pratchett
Xavier Von Erck
Ron Paul
Libertarianism on LiveJournal

There is a LiveJournal community dedicated to libertarianism. Reading it is a lot like fucking a beehive. The community mostly serves as a forum for discussing bestiality and necrophilia.

Drama-Generating Techniques
You can troll libertarianism in the following ways:

Suggest that you like the Libertarian Party.
Agree with any form of taxation.
Make up elaborate lies about how government interference is directly correlated with general happiness and coke supply, forcing them to do actual work to prove you wrong.
Propose a law to ban stupid people from breeding and see how many "freedom-lovers" actually agree with you.
Create a thread titled "DATING TIPS," pretend to be an athletic, attractive, emotionally-sensitive Libertarian with good job security, post a sob-story about not being able to get a girlfriend and watch it grow to over 9000 pages about the naïveté of women and how Libertarians are better lovers.
Tell them the Internet was invented by the government.
Be a minority.
Tell them Ron Paul is a racist and is supported by the KKK.
Ask them to name a single Libertarian community that worked in the real-world.
Mention government or 'socialistic' successes and private sector endeavors failures.
Praise the Labor Theory of Value.
Argue over libertarianism vs. anarchism.
Say FDR and Abraham Lincoln were the best US presidents.
Point out the fact libertarianism is just a type of conservatism
Ask them why they hate the 16th amendment when they claim to love the Constitution
Spout conspiracy theories about how Ayn Rand was a soviet double agent or how Thomas Jefferson was trolling when he wrote the declaration of independence. This should actually be pretty easy, as libertarians are known to take to conspiracies faster than MCR to a cock.
Tell them that Ben Franklin used state money to fund a hospital.
Tell them you're voting for Bob Barr.
Link them to this.
Treat Libertarianism and Objectivism as synonyms
Point out that the Green Party supports pot legalization, too
Use Bioshock as an example of why a Libertarian society can never exist
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